It’s that time of year again when the little people start thinking about their birthdays.
More specifically, whether or not Mummy will allow them to have a dreaded (insert more suitable swear word that Mummy may or may not use when thinking about allowing a hoard of other peoples precious darlings near her house) “Party”. (“P” word must be said through gritted teeth)
Long ago Mummy learnt the lessons of never, ever allowing hoards of other people’s children near her house. Seriously, as if the cleaning to the required standard so no-one gossips in the playground that your house is a tip and your cleaning skills are slovenly isn’t bad enough. The attempting to get dubious marks off your paintwork afterwards is enough to make anyone turn to alcohol and henceforth ban all gatherings of small people on the premises.
Thankfully there are other premises that positively encourage you to hold gatherings of marauding small people at their place. For a price. Mummy also learnt long ago that she would rather pay for a week at Centerparcs and a crate of cider, than pay a small fortune to take other people’s little darlings to these said establishments and fill them with vastly overpriced, nutritionally devoid food that appeals to small fussy dictators. (Even if I don’t have to clean up afterwards)
This may or may not come from having the smalls who are repeatedly the only ones in their class not invited to birthday parties. Apparently having Autism makes you unpopular. Who knew? (Clue – the Mums, we knew) So I’m sure I can be forgiven for not being keen on spending half the national debt entertaining bigoted parents and their younglings, who have no intention of returning the favour.
Anyway, fast forward to a new school and new, nice proper friends, with parents who also enjoy wine, Pimms and daytime trips to the cinema, who understand the pitfalls of having kids who are essentially, just a little bit different.
Admittedly, youngest had got it all planned out perfectly this year. He’d made a guest list, a gift list and a menu plan before he even broached the subject. I set off to book this said gathering of marauding little people, complete with Mummy’s approved guest list. Apparently we want a Nerf-tag party, which is more expensive than a standard party, and they want a table for food, and they actually want food as well and they want a toy for each child, (Mummy raises an eyebrow as the price keeps creeping up) and did we want pots of tea & coffee…
Eh? Mummy looks mildly bewildered at this point. The kind lady on reception explained the tea and coffee was for the parents but if I’d prefer, the bar will be open anyway. Mummy looks much more impressed by this revelation and quips “Good. As Mums prefer Pimms to tea”.
Seriously, they think we’re getting through a 2 hour gathering of marauding little people armed with Nerf guns with nothing but overstewed tea? I don’t think so Mrs Reception Lady. Why is “Massive Jug of Pimms” not an option on the form? (I shall kindly put it on the suggestion form for you – you can thank me later)
I’m now feeling quite smug about the sheer number of “Best Mummy in the World” points I have accumulated just by booking a birthday party. There doesn’t seem to be anything left for me to do now, except make sure the invitations actually go to the right children, as approved by Mummy.
I’ve even had an offer from a friend to make a cake. Which is probably just as well as my last effort looked like this –
Now all that remains to be done is to buy some actual birthday presents. I’ve told Daddy this is his job. Seeing as youngest even went to all the trouble of showing him on YouTube, which particular Nerf gun it is he wants for his birthday. I did hear Daddy gasp a little and moan about the price, he may have uttered something about looking for a second hand one on eBay until I raised my eyes from the book I was pretending to read, so he could feel my red hot glare and his shirt started smoking.
The best bit is that it didn’t cost me nearly so much as I thought it would…….Because I put it on Daddy’s credit card 😉